When you're young and you start to understand that the body you've been living in doesn't fit right, the world as you know it gets a little shaky underfoot. When that awareness doesn't go away, self-doubt and distrust become constant and troubling companions. There aren't any guidelines or protocols available to help sort this out. There aren't many adults who might take this mistake seriously, or even see it as more than just a phase or a child's funny whim. So you do your best to be who you are. You hide some things, and play up others. You discover that while girls are much more interesting than boys, your own outer shell is a problem. Before too long, the other kids notice that you don't fit the same mold that spawned them. Acne flairs and, while you can hide your body, you can't hide your face. With the solicitude and understanding of the young, you're singled out for the special attention that only the ignorant can offer.
You can't define yourself. How you fit into the world around you becomes an impossibility to manage. You torture yourself about what you did to make yourself go this wrong. And worse than that, you're deeply afraid of your own future.
Yes, eventually people were found who weren't judgmental and who didn't care about sexual orientation. And that offered some relief, for awhile. But those friends weren't able to help with the quagmire that surrounded Jay's need to reconcile the thoughts and emotions and ideas that made up her internal person with the clear fact of the flesh and blood body that surrounded them. This determination to understand herself and accept that she didn't fit into society's 'norms' sent Jay into almost constant emotional upheaval, as well as long struggles with anorexia. Hospitalizations and residential programs did little to raise any level of self-esteem -- especially since no one recognized or wanted to deal with questions about sexual identity and understanding.
But when Jay was 20, an eating disorder counselor finally acknowledged out loud that there was another part to Jay's real life and suggested trying out a nearby drop-in center for people with sexual identity issues. Jay walked by the building a good number of times before pushing herself through the door -- and found what had been missing for such a long time.
There's a sense of incomplete serenity around Jay. She's clearly on the upside of self-acceptance and self-assurance, but the struggles have left their marks. She's somewhat at peace with this physical body, and she's engaging and kind and has a depth of understanding about who she is and what she has done for herself. When I think about her, I see perseverance and bravery, and I admire her willingness to step into the public eye to offer her story to others who might take comfort from it.
Six years later
Jay started on testosterone a little more than a year ago. For a variety of reasons, his doctor prescribed a minimum dosage, and his body soaked it up like a sponge. He was not rocked by the extreme mood issues and mania that some are. After a month or so, his voice started to drop and he started growing facial and body hair. His nephew was at a similar puberty stage, and they entertained themselves with comparisons. Catching crumbs in his chin whiskers and feeling the wind across his face were only two of the things he had been wanting, without knowing it. Jay self administers a weekly injection, and as the drug begins to wear away, he finds his self awareness shifting much like it did when he was still menstruating. He has noticed more confidence in himself. She was really shy, but he is more apt to speak up, and cut someone off -- gently -- if they've gone on too long.
His relationship to his breasts was never one of acceptance. They were always dictating how he would dress, and were an outward sign of what he knew he was not. Still, the decision to have them removed was not an easy one. His struggle with what to do lead to nightmares and a certain amount of anguish. Taking testosterone made it simpler, though, and he came to see a mastectomy as one more step toward home. He told me, "Change, even for the better, includes loss." His sense of loss, after his breasts were removed, was much less than he feared.
7/22/2022. After almost 3 years of Covid.
Jay spends a good deal of his time talking to kids about his life and experiences. When he was growing up, he was subjected to the ignorance and bullying of classmates, and there was no one around who understood what he was going through, or who cared enough to at least try to help and protect him. See, Jay is actually shy, and prefers to not be in the public eye, but his experiences have pushed him to take public action. Not only does he advocate for Queer and Trans rights and acceptance, but he's also been instrumental in helping to educate medical folk enough so that changes were made in the surgical procedures that are offered in Canada. On top of that, he's a poet, a playwright, and has landed a brief part in the first episode of the 4th season of Diggstown. Which you can find on Tubi.