The first time I bound my breasts I was saved -- that simple act pulled me out of a deep depression, and away from self-injury. A very close friend had been savagely beaten returning home from a gay dance on Prince Edward Island. The images of her battered and bruised face posted to the internet were heart-wrenching. Not only did they show what had happened to her, but they were also a stark reminder of the hateful experiences many of us face in the Queer community. I found myself tormented by memories of the constant physical and emotional abuse I suffered as an adolescent at the hands of my 'peers'.
I was in New Brunswick at the time, and confided in a wise and caring friend. Before the beating, we had been having lively discussions about life and gender, about happiness and identity, and about the idea of androgyny. After the beating, she saw me falling into anger and silence, a darker side of myself that I hesitated to share with others.
Not one to sit back and let the wrong thing happen, she offered me a remedy in the shape of panty hose. I joined her in ransacking the local Salvation Army for 'little boy clothes', and then we hacked off most of my hair while listening to Regina Spektor. With some arts and crafts instructions from the internet, we cut the legs off the panty hose for my arms and a hole in the crotch for my head. Pull that down tight, and there go the breasts. Put on a comfortable shirt, a little mousse in the hair for some punk, and there goes Amanda and here comes Lou.
As time has gone on, I've become aware that binding has strengthened my ability to admire myself as an individual. It is empowering in that it allows me the freedom to feel genderless. The idea that someone watching me walk down the street can't know if I am a boy or a girl thrills me because I know I'm the one with the answer. Make no mistake, though -- I do deeply love my female body, and often my clothes or my composure reflect that. But I don't let it define me. When I do bind or dress like a boy it is simply another conversation between my spirit and the physical world.
This is awesome. I want to post this everywhere!!
Posted by: Andrea | September 17, 2011 at 01:13 AM
The world is changing. We need strong people like Amanda/Lou.
Posted by: Boyd Waters | September 21, 2011 at 06:36 PM
I am happy you are who you are you are an individual and I appreciate it I wish everyone could be like that and not not worry😀 It saddens me everytime an individual hides who they really are I am a proud women ( who really should of grown up in the 70's as I really hate bras aim a D cup) I'm married with a 10 and 5 year old girls I love being a mom but I'm not sure sure sure about being married??? I have been mistaken for a 16 year old very recently so I guess that helps?? I have never been happy with who I am I am not fat by any means I wear a size 3 juniors but I am embarrassed by my body between having breasts and stretch marks and I envy all of you and I am proud of you were I live having an eyebrow, lip, amg. nose ring make u an outsider and I took all out just to feel comfortable ( though looking in the mirror makes me hate myself even more) I wish I had the courage each and everyone of you have ( I'm sorry for going on and on I've been very depressed lately cause I hate who I've become) cause of my body and a little acne ( not much Just enough to make me wish I kn about makeup)
Posted by: Rachel | December 21, 2014 at 12:36 AM
And also I feel like I can't take a nice pic everyone i c is absolutely stunning and you all should be very proud of you selves 😀
Posted by: Rachel | December 21, 2014 at 12:39 AM